How to Write Your Own Baseball-Themed Sausage Commercial

October 14, 2009 • 11:56 pm • POSTED BY Jim Walls

So on the eve of my beloved Phillies kicking off their second straight NLCS against Larry King’s Dodgers tomorrow night, I thought I’d share a little viewing tip for fans who—like me—find the TBS announcers to be a little, well, limp: run the hometown audio feed from your iPhone’s MLB app through some speakers while watching TV with the sound muted. The trick to making it work lies in syncing up the audio to the TV coverage, which is always a few seconds off. For that, pause your DVR three seconds after a pitch is thrown, then wait until you hear that pitch hit the catcher’s glove (or Ryan Howard’s Wonderboy) on the radio. Wait three seconds, unpause your TV, and you should be good for the rest of the game. Of course, you could just fire up the old AM radio, but my TV interferes with the signal, so if you have similar issues or if you want crystal-clear sound, the iPhone’s the way to go.

The downside of listening to a ballgame on the radio, though, are the terrible local commercials. You know, the ones for car insurance companies, healthcare plans, or local sausage kings. Apparently, there’s no better way for these advertisers to endear themselves to sports fans than by writing a radio spot laden with ready-to-go metaphors that relate the product to classic baseball terms. Air that spot for 162 games a season, every half inning, ad infinitum, and you’ll drive some fans to go all DeNiro on poor John Kruk.

The real shame is that some agency took a client’s money to write these things, when they practically write themselves. So, in the interest of helping out said clients, I offer the following pro bono template for the creation of your very own baseball-themed radio spot. Hope to hear yours next season, 30 times each game. I realize this doesn’t time out at exactly a :60, so just fill the rest of the time with crowd noise and an organist playing “Charge.”

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Announcer.: Hey [home team] fans, if you’re looking to HIT A HOME RUN, look no further than [ State Home Insurance / Your Tri-State Mitsubishi Dealer / Johnson’s Quality Meats ] this summer.

They’ll KNOCK ONE OUT OF THE PARK with their [ great rates / zero percent financing / Hot Smoked Grillers ] that’ll definitely TURN A BANG BANG PLAY with your SWEET SPOT.

Your friends will think you’re ON THE JUICE when you LOAD THE BASES with [our low premiums / a certified pre-owned Gallant / our sizzling Hot Smoked Grillers ]. And you’ll be the CREW CHIEF of your family when you BREAK FOR HOME with [up to $200 monthly savings / a factory-standard moonroof / our famous all-beef cheddarwurst].

Great [deals / deals / taste] like this haven’t POPPED UP since the UNFORTUNATE-BUT-HISTORIC DAYS OF THE BLACKSOX SCANDAL, so don’t wait until you FULLY RECOVER FROM TOMMY JOHN SURGERY, this is more exciting than a DELAYED DOUBLE STEAL or a GROUND RULE DOUBLE DUE TO FAN INTERFERENCE.

When the competition BALKS, you go with your CLOSER: [ State Home Insurance / Your Tri-State Mitsubishi Dealer / Johnson’s Quality Meats ]

[Crowd cheers.]

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Go Phils.